You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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