our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
