i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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