well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
