I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
