I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
