3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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