Tell her she can't have a vagina
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
