I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
