After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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