I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
two words...techno handjob
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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