So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
