I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
