No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
