I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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