It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
