remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Banned from zoo.
Again?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
