so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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