actually, I'm a sock model
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
