ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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