so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Randomize
