If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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