...so i touched it.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I take back everything I said about communal showers
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
