just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
