I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
