Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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