I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
