I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
