I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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