Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
