woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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