either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
