I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
