Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
