Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
