Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
