You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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