he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
