I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
