New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
