did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
