Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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