did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
