highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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