First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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