When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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