I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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