god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
