My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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