the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
