I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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