I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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