we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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